there was a time i was happy. i reminisce about it coming up with only fleeting memories of inconsequential family moments or instances of true wonder and novelty. no more. those days are gone it seems. or is it even seemingly so? what if they really are gone? blah blah blah. i write this thinking i'll come up with some enlightened thought, but the truth is I'm not even sure I have any great thoughts left in me.
i'm depressed. the lexapro isn't working or maybe I'm not giving it a chance to work. I'm only truly happy when i'm miserable. why is that?
i'm trying to muster up the courage to start working on a tv pilot. i want to call it "nuclear". i dunno. i'm scared to start writing because i'm scared it will suck, and i put undo pressure on myself to produce something truly great. i think i might be scared of success.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Friday, November 02, 2007
been a while...
okay, a bit longer than a while since I've written. with congressional gay scandals, presidential trash talking, interest rate cuts and a myriad of west coast wild-fire it's difficult to find anything truly interesting in my life to speak of. it all seems so trivial.
hmmmm....
i've been suffering from allergies. badly. as soon as the weather changed i felt like my head was about to explode at any minute catapulting an amalgam of goo and infection in every which way. snot shrapnel. gross, i know. truth be told, i'd rather than happen than having to suffer from the incessant congestion and nose-blowing action. poor me, right?
i saw bishop allen on the 24th of october at club deville. they rocked my face off! so rad. i love those guys. lindsey saw them the next day in dallas and her friend julie sang with them! it's on youtube. that's big time. i'm sure you'll agree.
went to the food & wine festival last weekend with riki, david and my mom in fredericksburg. it was such nice weather and you can't beat eating free food while getting sloshed on various merlots, chardonnays and muscats. there was a muscat canelli that my mom really favored. REALLY favored. drunk mom. ah, good times.
spending this weekend house/dog sitting for riki and for david. back at my old stomping ground, the riata.
i've got a great opportunity coming up but i don't want to speak about it until i know for sure. sort of superstitious that way.
hmmmm....
i've been suffering from allergies. badly. as soon as the weather changed i felt like my head was about to explode at any minute catapulting an amalgam of goo and infection in every which way. snot shrapnel. gross, i know. truth be told, i'd rather than happen than having to suffer from the incessant congestion and nose-blowing action. poor me, right?
i saw bishop allen on the 24th of october at club deville. they rocked my face off! so rad. i love those guys. lindsey saw them the next day in dallas and her friend julie sang with them! it's on youtube. that's big time. i'm sure you'll agree.
went to the food & wine festival last weekend with riki, david and my mom in fredericksburg. it was such nice weather and you can't beat eating free food while getting sloshed on various merlots, chardonnays and muscats. there was a muscat canelli that my mom really favored. REALLY favored. drunk mom. ah, good times.
spending this weekend house/dog sitting for riki and for david. back at my old stomping ground, the riata.
i've got a great opportunity coming up but i don't want to speak about it until i know for sure. sort of superstitious that way.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The race is on...
I've recently discovered something about the nature of people. I mean, I guess I always knew this but never really processed it or became upset about it until recently.
Out. Late. Drinking. With people. There was some lamenting over a lost love. A recent breakup. I'm uncertain of the relationship's length or seriousness, but there was a heart broken nevertheless.
Now, we've all (unless you're incredibly, miraculously fortunate) experienced a painful breakup. I bet there are plenty of us that have felt as if we could literally die from the hurt of separation not to mention the added stress of trying to work out finances and living situations if the union in question was marriage or a partnership. It certainly makes it that much more difficult..but I wouldn't say it necessarily makes it worse. Others may disagree..but harder and worse are not always synonymous in my book.
Back to the evening to which I was referring...
Poor guy. Upset. Drowning his sorrows. I think the last thing he needs is for someone else to tell him they had it worse. They had the expensive wedding which is now an embarrassment. They had their life planned. They had to quit things that were important to them because they could no longer afford them. You get the point.
It's as if we're in a race to finish the most miserable.
Why? I'm not saying the fore mentioned repercussions aren't terrible. I am saying, though, that we aren't capable of measuring the magnitude of heartache...which is the real issue. The additional incidences that come with a breakup are nothing to sneeze at, but it doesn't make someone who didn't incur these additional stresses any less hurt because they didn't.
The loss of someone you once shared a meaningful, emotional bond with (in addition to the bond itself) is something that no one should be made to think of flippantly or be forced to measure comparatively. It hurts. Period.
Pains of the heart are not circumstantial and should never be gauged in such a manner.
Out. Late. Drinking. With people. There was some lamenting over a lost love. A recent breakup. I'm uncertain of the relationship's length or seriousness, but there was a heart broken nevertheless.
Now, we've all (unless you're incredibly, miraculously fortunate) experienced a painful breakup. I bet there are plenty of us that have felt as if we could literally die from the hurt of separation not to mention the added stress of trying to work out finances and living situations if the union in question was marriage or a partnership. It certainly makes it that much more difficult..but I wouldn't say it necessarily makes it worse. Others may disagree..but harder and worse are not always synonymous in my book.
Back to the evening to which I was referring...
Poor guy. Upset. Drowning his sorrows. I think the last thing he needs is for someone else to tell him they had it worse. They had the expensive wedding which is now an embarrassment. They had their life planned. They had to quit things that were important to them because they could no longer afford them. You get the point.
It's as if we're in a race to finish the most miserable.
Why? I'm not saying the fore mentioned repercussions aren't terrible. I am saying, though, that we aren't capable of measuring the magnitude of heartache...which is the real issue. The additional incidences that come with a breakup are nothing to sneeze at, but it doesn't make someone who didn't incur these additional stresses any less hurt because they didn't.
The loss of someone you once shared a meaningful, emotional bond with (in addition to the bond itself) is something that no one should be made to think of flippantly or be forced to measure comparatively. It hurts. Period.
Pains of the heart are not circumstantial and should never be gauged in such a manner.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Amen, brother!
Or perhaps it's a remnant of the careless Boomer worldview, that
all-American, use-it-before-it's-gone attitude that spins on an axis of a
truly horrible irony: The more we learn of our desperate environmental
straits, the more we learn of dwindling oil reserves and the more we learn
that our shiny happy United States might not be the responsible,
beneficent global superpower we once dreamed it was, the more we say
"screw it" and grab onto the last gasp of pleasurable excess and vice no
matter the future repercussions, telling ourselves we might as well enjoy
that stupid, chromed-out three-ton GMC Yukon Denali before the oil runs
out and the terrorists eat my babies and the damn liberals change the laws
and make us all drive Smart cars to the Tofu Hut in order to turn us all
gay. Sound familiar?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007 (SF Gate)
Rejoice, The Hummer Is Dead/It might be the end of the world's most phallically sad SUV. But has the damage been done?
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Read the whole thing: The original article can be found on SFGate.com here: HUMMER
all-American, use-it-before-it's-gone attitude that spins on an axis of a
truly horrible irony: The more we learn of our desperate environmental
straits, the more we learn of dwindling oil reserves and the more we learn
that our shiny happy United States might not be the responsible,
beneficent global superpower we once dreamed it was, the more we say
"screw it" and grab onto the last gasp of pleasurable excess and vice no
matter the future repercussions, telling ourselves we might as well enjoy
that stupid, chromed-out three-ton GMC Yukon Denali before the oil runs
out and the terrorists eat my babies and the damn liberals change the laws
and make us all drive Smart cars to the Tofu Hut in order to turn us all
gay. Sound familiar?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007 (SF Gate)
Rejoice, The Hummer Is Dead/It might be the end of the world's most phallically sad SUV. But has the damage been done?
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Read the whole thing: The original article can be found on SFGate.com here: HUMMER
Monday, May 07, 2007
no more.
i'm a dreamer.
i've always been a dreamer.
i will always be a dreamer.
some dreams are quaint and quickly within reach.
others are grandiose and fantastical.
i tend to invest more time in the latter.
if you're going to dream, dream big, right?
recently i've been catching myself censoring my dreams.
no more.
one shouldn't have to censor their dreams.
isn't that the great thing about them?
there is no limit to the scope of a dream.
there is, sadly, a limit on the amount of support of it.
belief in it.
it is difficult to muster up the courage to pursue a dream you really want when you are the sole believer that it one day will come true.
i guess that means i'll be the sole benefactor of its blessings and rewards.
sad.
i refuse to allow others to be fair weather supporters, if you will. it's the times when one is furthest away from a dream that he or she needs the most support.
if someone surpresses them and doesn't support your dreams now, how can you expect them to support them and you when they come true?
you can't.
no more.
i've always been a dreamer.
i will always be a dreamer.
some dreams are quaint and quickly within reach.
others are grandiose and fantastical.
i tend to invest more time in the latter.
if you're going to dream, dream big, right?
recently i've been catching myself censoring my dreams.
no more.
one shouldn't have to censor their dreams.
isn't that the great thing about them?
there is no limit to the scope of a dream.
there is, sadly, a limit on the amount of support of it.
belief in it.
it is difficult to muster up the courage to pursue a dream you really want when you are the sole believer that it one day will come true.
i guess that means i'll be the sole benefactor of its blessings and rewards.
sad.
i refuse to allow others to be fair weather supporters, if you will. it's the times when one is furthest away from a dream that he or she needs the most support.
if someone surpresses them and doesn't support your dreams now, how can you expect them to support them and you when they come true?
you can't.
no more.
Monday, April 30, 2007
cynic...
i was recently telling a friend of mine that i'm emersed in cynicism today. i'm uncertain if it's because it is monday or if it's the murky dismal weather (which i normally enjoy, actually). perhaps it's the combination.
i always tend to get caught in a perception of stagnation. a depression as well. i let things get to me. i literally upset myself thinking about the state of the world. i can manage to ruin my own day in a matter of minutes just by thinking about how i wish things were and how bothered i am that more young people are so apathetic about societal disfuctions. civic-mindedness is waning. i could be wrong, but i thinking i'm not.
i don't think there is anything wrong with idealism. realism is good, too. it's when you try to mesh the two that muddies the water. i try to balance the two..but it's hard. but, just because something is hard doesn't mean it's worth giving up on. it's because it's hard that one shouldn't. i think that's true for everything. work, life...love. *sigh* yeah, been feeling a bit lonely these days as well. okay, not a bit...a lot. i'm attracted to confidence. i think other people are as well. i'm normally quite resolved and comfortable. lately, i've been dragging myself down, getting down on myself. i can't stand that! someone, please snap me out of it. really. i suppose it's a feeling of worth. i mean, i like myself but that's not who/what others necessarily value. worth is relative.
anyway, back to the point. i'm confused as to where i want to go. i'm not unhappy at this point..just not content. i suppose the most germane word would be uneasy. i'm uneasy with the world and where i am in it. i wish i could do more, make more of a change. i wish we valued each other more than our money. i wish we lived in a society that touched more. affection is so nice but we seem to shy away from it out of fear of misinterpretation, I guess. i'm a hugger. i like to hug people. it doesn't mean i want to sleep with them. one of my favorite things was the time i was in europe and people greeted each other with kisses on the cheek regardless of sex. it was refreshing to see people not reticent to show affection. why are we so guarded here? i did meet a wonderful group of huggers on friday night. that was soooo great. it's just, i dunno, sweet. it makes me feel...valued.
anyway, enough of the pity party. just had to vent a bit.
i always tend to get caught in a perception of stagnation. a depression as well. i let things get to me. i literally upset myself thinking about the state of the world. i can manage to ruin my own day in a matter of minutes just by thinking about how i wish things were and how bothered i am that more young people are so apathetic about societal disfuctions. civic-mindedness is waning. i could be wrong, but i thinking i'm not.
i don't think there is anything wrong with idealism. realism is good, too. it's when you try to mesh the two that muddies the water. i try to balance the two..but it's hard. but, just because something is hard doesn't mean it's worth giving up on. it's because it's hard that one shouldn't. i think that's true for everything. work, life...love. *sigh* yeah, been feeling a bit lonely these days as well. okay, not a bit...a lot. i'm attracted to confidence. i think other people are as well. i'm normally quite resolved and comfortable. lately, i've been dragging myself down, getting down on myself. i can't stand that! someone, please snap me out of it. really. i suppose it's a feeling of worth. i mean, i like myself but that's not who/what others necessarily value. worth is relative.
anyway, back to the point. i'm confused as to where i want to go. i'm not unhappy at this point..just not content. i suppose the most germane word would be uneasy. i'm uneasy with the world and where i am in it. i wish i could do more, make more of a change. i wish we valued each other more than our money. i wish we lived in a society that touched more. affection is so nice but we seem to shy away from it out of fear of misinterpretation, I guess. i'm a hugger. i like to hug people. it doesn't mean i want to sleep with them. one of my favorite things was the time i was in europe and people greeted each other with kisses on the cheek regardless of sex. it was refreshing to see people not reticent to show affection. why are we so guarded here? i did meet a wonderful group of huggers on friday night. that was soooo great. it's just, i dunno, sweet. it makes me feel...valued.
anyway, enough of the pity party. just had to vent a bit.
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